Big Decisons

During the past nine months I have experienced more roller coaster rides then I have experienced during my entire existence. There were times of elation and joy and times of despair and deep sadness. To have our whole world turned upside down at a point in our lives when life should be easier, when the hard work of previous years was paying off and the stresses of life were going to be less and less.

Apparently God had something else in mind and not just for me but I think for the whole family. During these past nine months we have had to draw closer to one another in many different ways and that has helped us become closer as a family. We are still far from perfect but I can see where God is working and that is worth the difficult times. To see our children get closer to God even to get angry with God shows me that they are aware of Him and what He can do.

Nine months without work. That is a really long time. It helped me have a greater appreciation for the women who are pregnant! I didn't have morning sickness but I did have a heart sickness where my heart was hard and cold. But even in those dark times I knew that God was working and that was the one glimmer of hope. That was all I needed.

So here we are today. Considering whether this ministry opportunity to work with college age missionary kids is where God wants us to be. Considering employment options. These are exciting times to be sure and we really don't know what the future holds but I do know this. That God loves us. That He wants us to have a full life in Him. That He is the same God who provided for us during those nine months and He is not going to change.

What else is there to know?!

New challenge, New Directions, New Focus

I knew that the day was coming. I kind of knew the day it was going to happen. October 6th, after a little more then 9 years at the St. Pete Times, my career there was over. Part of a major layoff that impacted 5 other IT folks as well as many others in various departments.

As I drove home that day I felt a sense of peace and that a huge burden was lifted. I felt that the future would be bright and that we would be in a better place because of this.

Well here it is 3+ months later. We are in a better place physically for sure. God opened the doors for us to move to be closer to our family. I don't have as much peace about things like I did before and the burden that was lifted in October is back and even heavier then before. Now the burden is how are we going to pay for.... How are we going to be able to go to Senegal in March? How... (you can fill in the blanks).

I decided today (finally right) that I needed to have a serious time in the Word and prayer today. As I was trying to figure out where to start reading God led me to Matthew 6 and the section on not to worry. It is so much more easier to say not to worry when things are going well. When you have a job, when most of the bills are being paid, when life is just life. But now telling me not to worry is like telling a bird not to fly. But after reading and praying I know that I am going to worry but I also know that God is working and that I need to look for the answers to prayer that He has already given and rejoice in that! For example during this move no one got hurt or injured, that a house was basically given to us without the usual hoops, that God has kept us in a pretty good state of mind and that we are right where God wants us to be.

This is a faith testing time for sure. Who knows what the future holds but I have to keep on reminding myself that God has us going through this for a reason. I just pray that I figure out the reason soon :)

Letting God be God

As we go through this series of changes in our lives I am finding out that I am not letting God be God.

A little background may help.

I was laid off from my job in October. I had worked there a little over 9 years. I was good at what I did and I was respected by my peers. So why was I laid off? Because God has a plan. Pure and simple. God knows the desires of our hearts and, as I am starting to see, sometimes those desires mean that there may be some changes needed in our lives. My desire was to be closer to our kids and the grandkids. Not a desire that involved making more money or buying more stuff. A very pure desire. Before working at the paper I worked at another paper for almost 11 years. Getting that job was a great answer to God but it came after we lost everything. We lost our home, our car, our pride and our selves. God needed us to get to that point before He could work. I finally let be God be God. I stopped taking charge of finding a job on my own strength and let God.

So after almost 20 years of having a secure position and making good money God has allowed that to be taken away. But He has given us in its place the opportunity to have the desire of our hearts and allow us to be closer to the kids. He has exceed that desire and made it so that we can be in the same town as one of our kids! Wow that was unexpected but God knows us, He knows what brings joy to our hearts and a smile to our face. I need to remember this. Remember that God gave us the desire of our hearts and more.

In a few weeks we will be leaving the place we have called home for over 26 years. Four of our kids were born here. All of them had the same kindergarten teacher. They learned to play soccer and baseball here. They went to AWANA and learned verses and won awards here. They made their own friends that are still friends today. We have been at the same Church for almost 26 years. We have seen our Church grow from 50 on a good Sunday morning to over 350. We have seen our pastors kids grow up. We have seen the kids in our youth group grow from little kids who needed us to keep them alive to adults who are married and have their own children. How crazy is that! Bittersweet.

But if I let God be God then I know that the future can only be exactly what God wants it to be. I am not worried about a "position". I am not worried about what others may think. Why not? Because I am going to let God be God. I am going to let Him show me the things in my life that I need to fix. I am going to allow God to make me a better husband, a better father and more importantly, a better man of God. Not going to be easy I know. I know that there may be some hard times or things to deal with but I know, I know, that God is God. I know that He never changes. I know that he sacrifices His ONLY SON for me. I wouldn't even consider it. He didn't even hesitate. He loves me that much. So why wouldn't He want the very best for me. Why wouldn't He want me to enjoy as much joy as I can.

Today I begin letting God be God. Today I am going to be a better follower of Christ.

Leaving a legacy

As I get older and I realize more and more that the opportunity window is getting smaller the word legacy becomes more important. Legacy. Leaving something that makes the future better. This weekend I was able to see what that means.

We had 18 people crammed in our house this past weekend. Eleven adults and seven small boys. For the most part adults who love the Lord and who call Him their Saviour. Because of those adults seven young and tender hearts will have the opportunity to follow Christ and to change the world for good. Imagine if one of those seven boys is the one who leads the last person to Christ that will usher in the return of Christ! That is a legacy. That is a blessing.

In today's society it is all about me and what I can get out of it. TV shows promote getting all you can get out of life, watch out for number one, and stepping on others to get what you want. This is today's society. But what I witnessed was a deep compassion and love for one another. I saw little boys playing and being boys but I also saw tears fall when someone was hurt or the look of disappointment when one of these young men disobeyed.

In the eyes of these little ones I can see a strong hope for the future. I can see men willing to take the tough stand for the right things. I can see men willing to go and do what Christ calls them to do. I see a legacy.

We are blessed and encouraged.

Emotions and Challenges

I have really been struggling the last few days with emotions. It seems like they are just at the surface an at any moment will bust out like flood of water being released from a dam. Like yesterday I was driving home from work and there was this song on the radio about a guy who met this girl and her smile took his breath away and then the song continues about their life together until the end when she is in the hospital and it may be her last night. And he is laying in bed with her holding her hand and the song goes back to how when they met and her smile took his breath away. Man the tears were just flowing. Then I get home and everyone leaves and the tears started again. What is the deal!!??

It seems that I am realizing that life is changing again. But am I changing? If so am I changing for the good or the bad? I know that I am on the other side of the hill and gravity is pulling me faster down the hill then I want. I am seeing that I need to make some decisions about how I want to spend the remaining time I have left. I want my wife to be proud of the life I have lived. I want my kids to see a man that loved his wife and kids with a deep unchanging live. I want my grandkids to see a Papi that was fun but more important I want them to see a Papi that loves and lives Christ. Yea I got some work to do.

I am blessed beyond far more than I could ever deserve.

Wow what a time

The past four weeks or so have been a blur for me. It started with the birth of our 5th grandson, Colten, followed by the graduation of our youngest, Kylie, to the birth of Noah and concluded with the arrival of Caleb. Pretty amazing four weeks. Pretty stressful too.

But in spite of the stress, last minute things to get done, party to plan and then dealing with regular life God continued to demonstrate his Love for us. He had brought 3 new grandsons into our lives. Grandsons who, we pray, will continue the legacy of what our family believes and strives to live (not all days are good days). We now have 7 grandsons. How wonderful is that to potentially have in our family someone who could usher in the return of Christ becuase they shared what Christ had done for them.

Everyone of those young hearts will be exposed to the Bible, to Church (well that may not be the best idea sometimes), to seeing God work, to see lives changed and to see their world made better. These young parents have the responsibility to not only clean, feed and care for these young lives but they have a far greater responsibility. To teach and show them Christ.

I remember as a young dad feeling totally overwhelmed one day with the responsibility of being the spiritual head of the family. Knowing that God was holding me accountable for making sure I was, first a Godly example of a husband and a father, secondly that I would teach my children to love, honor, respect and obey God and His word and finally that if I didn't model it everyday then I would have to stand before God and explain why not. Yea no pressure. But then I recall hearing the Joseph song by Michael Card and I realized that the pressure I felt was nothing to the pressure that Joseph felt. Joseph KNEW that his son was the Son of God. He KNEW that God had chosen then to raise His Son. Pressure. Not thats pressure. Imagine knowing that your father-in-law had the power to create evertything you see, the power to calm raging storms, the power to heal the sick and the power to raise the dead. Wow.

I guess today I am feeling a need to help the young men on our family, Jeremy, Andy and Jeremy to take a second and begin to grasp a little bit more deeper the responsibility that God has given you. Each one of those young men will look to you to see how you treat your wife, how you respond to hard times, what you do when you are feeling down, how you take time to make sure they are special to you and not just playing ball or hunting or even playing Disc Golf. Those times are important for sure but it is the times you take them for ride and share what God is doing and they get to pray with their dad. Those are the times of shaping who they will be.

You all know that I my dad left me when I was really young. So it was just me and my two brothers. You also know that I didn't have the best environment to grow up in. But you didn't know about the abuse I took, about having a gun pointed at me by my step-father, and other stuff I don't want to go into. But then a man came into my life, showed me what it meant to be a Christian and my life changed.

As dads we can have one of two impacts on your sons / daughters. They can see a compassionate caring husband who does dishes when he needs to, who helps around the house, who sets aside time for his wife to have some quiet time, who while doing all those things are demonstrating Christ. Or you can be self-absored and living a life that centers on your desires.
I wasn't perfect or probably not very good at a lot of things. There are certainly areas of my life that could be a whole lot better and God is helping me to improve. But I do know this. That God blessed me with a wife that loves God and me. Six amazing children who know God. And inspite of my many imperfections God has seen fit to bless us.

Wow and wow and wow and wow.!

You can go days, weeks, months and never really have a wow kind of day or event. But to have three wow's in a span of a couple days is really a blessing!

Friday night we got to experience the graduation of our youngest daughter. She is an amazing young woman and not unlike our other amazing children but each one has their own "specialness". Our love for each is as deep for one as it is the other just to be clear but there is that "specialness" about each one that keeps that love fresh and deep. Just like the others she has a side to her that is all business. Logical. Analytical. Straight to the point. Focused. Brave. Fearless. Then there is the other side of thoughtfulness. Caring. Loving. Devoted. Trusted. Loyal. We watched over the years as each side of her developed and grew. Each side contributing to the young lady we see today. Full of confidence yet has a little worry about the future. We see her compete and hate to lose then we see her working hard with others to make sure that they can succeed. Yes we are blessed. We are blessed by her love of God. Her desire to make an impact in the world. We are warmed by her love of her family. We are challenged by her love of doing the right thing. Seeing her up on the stage and taking her diploma was a defining moment. A moment when we see the little girl in her step a little to the side so that the young woman in her can take her place.

Wow #2. Noah makes his grand if not deliberate entrance to the world. He seemed to hesitate as the moment got closer. Much like his mother who also appeared to have second thoughts on leaving the safe confines of the womb that she has grown so attached to over the past nine months. But when Noah decided it was time to make the grand entrance he moved quickly and decisively. No hesitation. No second thoughts. He entered the world and the world was changed. Already his presences ushered in all kinds of thoughts. Where do we put the third car seat his parents asked. I wonder if he can catch the ball one of his older brothers thought. His other brother was wondering how soon he can wrestle! Noah, just as Noah of the Bible was a righteous man among the un-righteous our prayer for you is that you will change the world. No matter the size of the flood or the number of people who are there to disrupt your, stay true to the course. Finish what you were sent here to do.

Wow #3. Sunday we talked with Lauren and the question was asked "Is anything going on with the baby?" and the answer was "no". Well he (who will remain nameless.. for a while) at that point had no intention of showing up. They were all going for a walk when we finished walking. Then we find out that they are preparing to head to the hospital! What kind of walk did they take? Whatever it was it worked. Sometime in the very near hours another new life will make his entrance to the world. His will be different. The people in the room will speak a different language then his parents grew up with. The hospital is not filled with all the latest and greatest technology. His friends growing up will be different then what his parents grew up with. But you know, none of that matters. He will grow up doing exactly what God has for him to do. He will be a light to the darkness. He will be a life changer. He will probably try to catch up to his brother in the number of stitches but he, like his brothers, will bring joy to everyone he meets.

Wow #4. As your children grow up and leave, you as a parent, go through so many emotions. Will they need me anymore? What role will I play? Am I being replaced? We don't want to express these thoughts but I am sure every parent has them at some time. We don't want to over step our boundaries so we tend to not be too involved. No one wants to be "that in-law". But when your eldest who you feel at times is the most distant and the most ready to leave the family has his first son things change. Not a great deal, you know have other questions, but there is a difference. Now that is a new little grandson who doesn't know you from squat but has already gotten you tied around his little fingers. Who could ask you anything (when he can talk) and you would do it. Isn't that love? Isn't that the kind of love the Bible talks about? A love that goes beyond reasoning. That goes beyond your own concerns. That goes beyond your own desires? Thanks Colten for helping an old man remember what Love is.

God has a way of showing us His presence in so many ways. From a graduation ceremony where God isn't mentioned but you know that at some point every graduate has prayed to God. From new lives that enter this world in so many different ways and yet are attached with a "specialness" that God gives them.

Wow and wow and wow and wow.

Thank you God for helping me to see another little piece of who you are.